The Mothering Coach: Uncovering the Three Best Kept Secrets of Parenting
Hundreds of parenting books claim to have the "number one" secret that will make you a successful parent who is surrounded by cooperative, happy children. While the ideas in most of these books are good, they fall short of having the impact they promise.
In my years of working with parents and children, as well as my study of the neuroscience of child development, I have found that there are three basic practices that help parents through their most frustrating challenges—when the baby is screaming, when accidents occur, when children are throwing tantrums, or when the home feels like a war zone.
Calm yourself. The airline safety instruction, "Put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on your child," applies to parenting as well. You can’t solve any problems when you're stressed, upset or angry. These states undermine your ability to help your child. Children, even newborns and babies in the womb, react to their parents' emotions. When you are able to calm yourself down, you not only help yourself to feel better, but you set a peaceful "vibe" that helps to deactivate your child's upsetting feelings.
How do you calm yourself in a chaotic moment? It’s all about reducing the arousal that's occurring in your nervous system. Visualize this as a "dial down" procedure. Breathe smoothly and concentrate on feeling your breath flow in and out. Pause and give yourself time to feel more centered without reacting, even if the baby is screaming (unless, of course, there is a physical safety issue). Lower your voice and speak slowly. Tell your child or baby what you are doing. You might say, "Mommy's feeling upset, and I'm going to breathe for a moment. Then I will take care of you." If you practice these techniques when small problems occur, you will find it easier to use them when more serious, nerve-jangling situations come up.
Calm your child. Regulating your own emotions is the first step to being able to teach your child to calm down. Children learn how to self-regulate from their parents' model. When a child is screaming, first acknowledge what they're feeling, including the degree of their emotion. You might say, "I can see that you are very, very upset." Speak clearly and deliberately, so the baby or young child can hear that you understand what is really going on with them. This is important even with infants who respond to your tone of voice even if they don't understand every word. Next, you can lower their stress by soothing touch, establishing eye contact, and speaking more and more softly and slowly. Take a knee and get down on their level if possible. Be patient. Following these steps will help your child settle and step down the ladder of arousal, but it can take time, especially at first. As children get used to this approach, they build trust in their parents as a source of emotional security.
Make repairs. As parents, we all make mistakes. Sometimes we’re irritable and snap at our children, or we say things we don't mean. Many parents don't talk about these incidents afterwards to apologize. Some parents are afraid that apologizing can undermine their position as a parental authority figure. I have found that making a repair by talking to the child is extremely important. It builds trust and mutual understanding and teaches the child that it is OK for her to admit mistakes.
Talk to the child soon after everyone has calmed down. Bedtime can be a good occasion. Speak sincerely, and talk about your own actions and feelings. Reassure the child that you love him and are committed to keeping him safe. Children may or may not respond to what you say, but that's OK. Even if they say nothing or don't appear to react, they heard you. Making repairs is a key skill with children of any age. You can even talk to an unborn baby in the womb. For example, if you've been fighting with your spouse, you might say out loud to your unborn baby, "Mommy and daddy were very upset, but it's not about you."
These three practices seem simple, but they are the foundation of conscious, thoughtful parenting. They may not get instant results, but if applied consistently, they can help the child to build secure attachment to you while learning to self-calm his nervous system. These are emotional resources with far-reaching benefits, including helping children manage their emotions, build relationships and learn in school.
Becky Brittain, Ph.D. teaches parents how to nurture radiant children. Dr. Becky is a mothering coach and has her doctorate in prenatal and perinatal psychology. She facilitates innovative parenting programs from preconception through the childhood period and offers brain-building infant and toddler classes. Dr. Becky's therapeutic specialties include: support and guidance through pregnancy, treatment for postpartum depression, resolution of birth and early traumas, development of bonding and attachment, and counseling for families. Dr. Becky is passionate about parents and their children receiving the very best start in life. Find out more about Dr. Becky at www.motheringcoach.com, by calling 314-482-7240 or via e-mail at becky@motheringcoach.com.
