When Teens Lose Confidence or Dress Provocatively, What's a Parent to Do?
St. Louis Kids Magazine's Columnist Russell Hyken Answers Parents' Questions
Q: Growing up, my son was bursting with confidence. As he entered his teen years, we have noticed a sharp drop in his self worth. How can we help him regain his confidence?
A: Teenagers often experience a "crisis in confidence" when something in their world ignites This can be as simple as trying a new activity or as complicated as navigating social relationships. And while feelings may be involved, confidence is not about emotions; rather, it is about ability and being good at something. Unfortunately, when anyone lacks confidence, it can lead to negative feelings, situational depression and undue anxiety.
Further complicating this crisis is the fact that it can be difficult to recognize a teen who lacks confidence. If your angst-ridden adolescent is constantly seeking approval, has few opinions of his own and/or is always following and never leading, he may be struggling with feelings of low self worth. Redirecting these negative energies toward a more positive outlook, however, can be easily accomplished.
Highlighting your son's strengths will promote positive posturing. Take a look at your teen's inner world to determine where he excels. Engage in conversation about how success in one area can translate to a "nervous area." A student who is good at video games, for example, is persistent, and this attribute can be applied to many other life activities including school work, extra-curriculars or a job search.
Next, talk with your son about looking confident. Self-assured people smile, which also creates internalized relaxed feelings. Strong people make eye contact and appear in control of the situation. Poised people speak with a positive tone and exude strength. If one acts confident, then they will be confident.
Forming positive relationships will also build self-esteem. Joining appropriate peer activities will allow your son to meet like-minded teens and feel good about his personal pursuits. Developing relationships with adult mentors, such as teachers and coaches, will provide strong role models who support your parental concerns. And, of course, spending time with Mom and Dad is also important. Celebrate success but also talk about failure by focusing on the positive and future improvement.
Children are not born lacking self-esteem or with excessive confidence; rather, these emotions are created. Feelings of poor self-esteem stem from negative attention and unconstructive criticism. Confidence, on the other hand, is built through appropriate praise and growth-promoting activities. Be available for your teen and encourage him to try new things.
Q: My teenage daughter dresses in clothes that make her look too mature and, I am embarrassed to say, a little too sexy. What do I do?
A: Before the school year ended, I had the opportunity to attend a high school prom. While some girls were dressed in traditional taffeta, many girls wore sleek, stylish and, yes, sexy dresses. Unfortunately, these adolescents looked mature beyond their years.
These intelligent teens were able to push the limits of the school's sensible dress code with heels that were too high, dresses that were too tight and makeup that was too sophisticated.
Today's teens live in a fast-paced society and receive mixed media messages regarding acceptable attire. Yes, one can find appropriately dressed girls on the Disney channel, but these young starlets and their ultra-thin model friends are frequently photographed in skin-tight and skin-baring clothes as they attend Hollywood red carpet events.
Today's parent may find it truly difficult to influence their adolescent's attire. No matter how your daughter dresses, a conversation about clothing trends is a great way to bond. Talk about the latest fashions and what was popular in your teenage years. Get out your senior yearbook and show off the styles of your youth - no matter how embarrassing. End the conversation on a positive note and reflect upon what you have learned before approaching the more serious subject of clothing that is too sexy.
Clothing is often the way in which a teen will identify with peers. In fact, most teen girls dress to be part of the group and not to attract the attention of the opposite sex. Unfortunately, appearances project preconceived notions. Many, especially teen boys, will judge a book by its cover. Have your teenager look in the mirror and ask what her style says about her personality. Talk about how one can look fresh and hip without being overly provocative.
If you run into resistance despite your sensible approach, remember that you are the parent. It is okay to "forbid" your daughter from wearing certain clothes. This conversation can, however, be accomplished in a positive "fashion." Let your teen know it is OK to disagree but also work toward finding an acceptable middle ground. Then, engage in some retail therapy and go shopping!!
Have your daughter try on lots of clothes and assist with choosing appropriate styles. If a top shows too much skin, suggest your trendy teen layer her outfit. If a dress is too short, ask your daughter to try it on with leggings or jeans. Be creative, have lunch and buy her at least one new outfit. This shows your commitment to promoting a positive image.
Fashion has replaced sensibility, and young girls are exposed to trendy, style-setting celebrities long before they hit the teenage years. It is truly difficult for today's parents to educate their impressionable daughters in today's multimedia environment. Voice your concerns but also listen before taking action.
Send questions for this column regarding teen issues to Hyken at teens@stlouiskidsmagazine.com. Anonymity will be granted.
Russell Hyken, Ed.S., MA, LPC, NCC, CEP, is a licensed professional
counselor, an educational diagnostician and a regular columnist for St. Louis Kids Magazine.
With more than 15 years of experience as a high school English teacher,
school counselor and school administrator, Hyken is now in private
practice. His practice, Educational and Psychotherapy Services,
specializes in educational/ADHD evaluations, individual and family
therapy, and local and national educational options for learning
disabled students and troubled teens. He can be reached at 314-691-7640
or through his web site
