Let Your Teens Take the Lead. You Might Be Surprised at How Well They Do
by Dr. Tim Jordan
One of the toughest challenges powerful leaders face comes not in the workplace but in their homes. How can they be a leader/authority figure as a parent without overpowering their kids, without casting too large a shadow?
Over the 16 years that I have been running personal growth summer camps for kids and teens, I’ve been humbled by lessons served to me from campers. One of the most important lessons came three years ago.
At a two-day staff retreat, several of our "young staff," (18-25-year-olds) surprised me by asking if they could handle something with me. I had known most of these young men and women since they were 8- and 10-year-olds, and they had kind of grown up with us over many years at camp. And they were feeling disrespected because at times they felt like I was still treating them like campers.
As I listened and reflected on what they were saying, I realized they were right. I was still subconsciously seeing them through the eyes of me as the teacher/leader and them as campers/students.
They wanted to be seen and treated as equals. They had a lot they wanted to teach me and to add to camp. And I hadn't totally switched the way I saw them in my mind.
And then it struck me that I was doing the same dance with my three kids, two in college and one in high school. I was comfortable in my role as father, teacher, leader and advice-giver. And yet it was time for me to give up some of that power and mindset and to see my kids as adults who had much to offer me.
But I guess it's not as easy as it sounds, letting go of control and of always being in charge. Two years ago at a family camp my wife, Anne, and I run, we did a team-building challenge exercise with the families. I had seven kids and five parents who had to get their team across a lava pit using magic carpet squares. Before they started, I suggested that the parents should step back and let their kids do most of the suggesting and leading. The first few attempts, with the parents doing most of the talking, failed.
I had imaginary tsetse flies bite the parents, making them mute, and yet they still did most of the talking throughout the next two failed attempts. I then blindfolded the parents, so now they couldn’t talk or see, and the kids finally were able to take over the leadership.
After much sweat and excitement, the final two team members, a dad and his 14-year-old son, leaped across the finish line, and the team exploded with joy.
When I asked the parents what they learned from the exercise, they all said the same thing. They realized how often they take the leadership role at home, despite how capable and competent their kids are, and how they were robbing their kids of opportunities to lead, grow and build their confidence.
Since that staff meeting three years ago I have been very sensitive to seeing and treating our young staff members as equals, giving them more places to lead and be valuable. And most importantly, I'm honoring who they are and have become as adults. It's actually been very fulfilling, enjoyable and relaxing to now have many captains of our camp ship.
Our camps also provide campers age 8 to 17 years many opportunities to lead, make choices and create their camp week.
For instance, every afternoon the kids can choose where they want to spend their time. We ask them at our daily morning "family meeting" what kind of sports or activities they’d like to do that day. They set up times to do these activities and then can choose where they spend their afternoon.
If the teens want to hang out at the lake all afternoon, they can. And they love this freedom especially since most live very structured lives with little down time. Every evening a group of campers creates the evening activity.
They set it up and make it happen. If it’s a dance, they put up decorations, handle the stereo and music, and get everyone out on the dance floor. Because of their ownership, the activities are that much more fun and meaningful.
So consider getting out of your comfort zone leadership role at home and following my lead. Your kids might surprise you with how well they take the helm.
Dr. Tim Jordan, a developmental pediatrician, is a regular contributor to St. Louis Kids. He is the author of "Keeping Your Family Grounded When You’re Flying by the Seat of Your Pants" as well as other publications and frequently speaks to local and national audiences about parenting and family issues.
He and his wife, Anne Jordan, run personal growth summer camps (Camp Weloki) for kids in grade school, middle school and high school, as well as weekend retreats in the fall and spring. His private practice is in Chesterfield. To find out more, call (636) 530-1883 or go to www.weloki.com.
This column is published in the January-February issue of St. Louis Kids. To see previous columns by Dr. Jordan, click here
|
 |
| Dr. Tim Jordan is a regular contributor to St. Louis Kids |
|
|