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| Dr. Tim Jordan is a regular contributor to St. Louis Kids |
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Many of you reading the title to this article may be wishing your egocentric teens loved themselves a little less, not more. Whether you are talking about cocky teen boys who love to knock their dads down a notch or girls who spend hours posing in front of mirrors and enmeshed in intricate friendship dramas, you might be inclined to wish it weren't all about them.
But I'm talking about something different here, something deeper and more fundamental. Something that becomes ever more important during the teen years and beyond. I'm talking about a teenager’s sense of self-worth or "deservability." Let me give you a couple of examples.
At one of our middle school camps last year, the campers worked on setting boundaries with their friends and with members of the opposite sex. Many of the girls, in particular, had questions about standing up to friends and about preventing hallway groping by boys.
We practiced boundary-setting by doing a simple exercise. We asked a boy to stand at the opposite end of the room and walk slowly toward Mary, our eighth-grade volunteer.
Mary was instructed to tell the boy to stop as soon as she felt a little uncomfortable. Mary waited until he was one foot from her before she meekly giggled, "Okay."
We asked her if that was when she first felt uncomfortable, and she said yes. When we asked the rest of the kids when Mary first looked uncomfortable, they all said they saw her noticeably shift when the boy was about 15 feet away. She had felt the discomfort much earlier but hadn't set a boundary. Why?
The answer is in her history. Mary had always been the tallest kid in grade school, and in fourth grade became the first girl to start puberty. She was teased a lot about her height and entering puberty, causing her to lose a lot of self-confidence.
She decided she was ugly, not good enough and different, and she hated her body. This poor sense of self led Mary to believe subconsciously that she didn't deserve to set good boundaries.
Sally, our second volunteer, did the same exercise. She didn’t say stop when she first felt uncomfortable either because she didn't trust her gut instinct. Her reason for allowing the boy to invade her space was also poor self-love. But her story was different.
Sally’s parents divorced when she was 5, and despite a split-custody arrangement, her dad went long periods without seeing her or contacting her. Sometimes more than six months went by without even a phone call.
Sally asked herself why her dad didn't take interest in her, and the best answer she found was that there must be something wrong with her. She thought she wasn't good enough, her dad's new family and job were more important than her, and thus, she wasn't very important.
She had a different story than Mary, but both girls suffered from the same result: poor self-image and low "deservability."
What parent doesn't worry about their teenagers' abilities to withstand peer pressure, make good choices and take care of themselves?
The solution lays less in teaching techniques and more in helping kids love themselves. People who love themselves and know they deserve the best treatment will be able to say "No!" and take good care of themselves.
They will set healthy boundaries with friends and in intimate relationships. They won't put up with being treated disrespectfully.
How can we support kids in learning to love and appreciate themselves? One way is to teach them that it's not what happens to you that's most important, it's what you make of it.
Help kids determine their "private logic," what they are deciding about themselves due to life experiences.
Whether it be comparing themselves to siblings or friends, making sense of teasing, or learning to accept themselves the way they are (i.e., short, tall, learning disabled, shy, athletic or not), kids need our guidance in these important areas both through our feedback and our example.
Help your kids become aware of their self-talk. If it is negative at times, help them become aware of the impact of talking badly about themselves.
Negative self-talk causes a loss of power, discouragement, decreased focus and ability, and decreased self-confidence.
In our camps, we teach kids to use a "Butt-twist" to switch a potential negative statement or thought to a positive using the word "but." For example, "I may be short, but I'm quick and can dribble around and through taller players."
Look for stories of kids or adults who overcame obstacles or defied the odds and succeeded. Have kids read biographies of famous people, so they'll see that everyone has tough times and hurdles to climb, and your kids can be successful, too.
Instead of spending a lot of time and energy blaming the media, our culture and your kids' peers, invest yourself in activities that have more control and influence with your kids.
Help your kids make good, healthy sense of their life experiences and to appreciate themselves and what they bring to this world.
Model self-love and good boundaries. Watch that you don’t use a lot of comparison words and examples when talking about siblings and other kids, and guide them to some healthy conclusions and decisions.
And perhaps most importantly, love them and appreciate them for exactly who they are.
Dr. Tim Jordan, a developmental pediatrician, is a regular contributor to St. Louis Kids. He is the author of "Keeping Your Family Grounded When You're Flying by the Seat of Your Pants" as well as other publications and frequently speaks to local and national audiences about parenting and family issues. He and his wife, Anne Jordan, run personal growth summer camps (Camp Weloki) for kids in grade school, middle school and high school, as well as weekend retreats in the fall and spring. His private practice is in Chesterfield. To find out more, call (636) 530-1883 or go to www.weloki.com.
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