by Dr. Tim Jordan
When parents talk to me about their children's grades, the advice I like to give them is to chill out. That's right. So many families today are overly invested in grades and not paying enough attention to the process of educating their children.
And it's not just grades where we've become out of balance; it's also bled over into intense pressure about getting kids into the right preschool, the right grade school, the right high school (especially in St. Louis!) and then, finally, into the right college.
Whew! No wonder kids and parents are so stressed out today.
I think there are two main fears driving this pressure. The first is our fear that our kids are going to fall behind their peers and somehow ruin their chances of getting into one of those "right" high schools or colleges.
The old mantra from the 1950s of "keeping up with the Joneses" has today become "keeping up with the Joneses' kids." I see parents constantly comparing their kids to others and worrying because their child isn’' working with a tutor after school, isn’t on the best select soccer team or isn’t going to space camp this summer.
The second fear driving parents is our fear for our children’s future. Most parents are confused about how to prepare their kids for the future because it will be so much different from their own experiences.
The word on the street is that today even college may not be enough to prepare our kids for their careers, so then what do they need?
One response has been trying to provide a prolonged, protected period of childhood, preparation and education. The result? More young people are living at home well into their mid and upper twenties.
Because of these two fears, parents are pushing, pressuring, motivating, problem solving, rescuing and micromanaging their children's lives, especially in the area of school work.
I have never seen a study that correlated good grades in high school and college with later success or happiness. Often it's an inverse correlation. And remember, too, that most of us weren't working our hardest in school or really into school either until after high school.
So, again, relax. Let's de-emphasize grades, getting into the "right" schools, and being on the best select team and, while we're at it, being popular. Childhood is not supposed to be something to be measured or micromanaged.
Childhood is not a race or a contest or about awards at graduation. And it's not about building a resume or winning national championships.
Grade school is not supposed to be about high school preparation, and high school should not be just about college preparation. It's also about learning how to get along and work with others; about developing all parts of yourself as a person; about discovering who you are and what you are passionate about.
Over-focusing on grades and winning takes away from these essential parts of growing up.
Because of their entrepreneurial and non-conformist natures, some kids will never be really into school nor will they be motivated by grades or other externals.
Read biographies of successful scientists, business owners and leaders, and you will find plenty of chapters about kids who were underachievers in school. Remember that, too, when report cards roll around every quarter.
I think the word remember is a very fitting way to conclude this discussion. Remember that most of us adults weren't "working our hardest" or "working to our potential" in grade school and high school, and most of us did more than just survive.
Remember that in the big picture of life, grades and where you went to high school and college aren't very important. And remember that many of our greatest thinkers and inventors, like Edison and Einstein, did poorly in school.
Remember and take some of that pressure about getting "A's" off of the shoulders of you and your children. Allow their lives to unfold in their way without all of our micromanaging.
Dr. Tim Jordan, a developmental pediatrician, is a regular contributor to St. Louis Kids. He is the author of Keeping Your Family Grounded When You’re Flying by the Seat of Your Pants as well as other publications and frequently speaks to local and national audiences about parenting and family issues.
He and his wife, Anne Jordan, run personal growth summer camps (Camp Weloki) for kids in grade school, middle school and high school, as well as weekend retreats in the fall and spring. His private practice is in Chesterfield. To find out more, call (636) 530-1883 or go to www.weloki.com.
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| Dr. Tim Jordan is a regular contributor to St. Louis Kids |
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