If You've Got a Future CEO On Your Hands, Here Are Ways to Channel That Spirit Constructively
by Dr. Tim Jordan Columnist for St. Louis Kids Magazine
I heard a story about a 5-year-old boy whose parents got frustrated with him because he wouldn't cooperate, so they made him sit in a timeout chair. As the parents walked away, he turned toward them and said angrily, "I might be sitting on the outside, but I’m standing up on the inside!"
Ah, the challenges in raising a "spirited child." When I use the term "spirited," I'm talking about kids who tend to be bright, strong-minded, single-minded, intense, persistent and stubborn. They like to argue and have the last word. They don't like to make mistakes, be wrong or be called out for being wrong. They are very sensitive to "losing face," and they love to engage authority figures in power struggles. They are also remarkable children.
Most parents will say their power-hungry child is at his or her best when given the opportunity to be helpful or feel valuable. These are the kids who create projects that make a difference in their schools and communities. They tend to be strong leaders, sometimes too strong in their formative years. They are our future CEOs and entrepreneurs.
Spirited kids need their parents and teachers to understand them and their needs and to deal with them appropriately. Let me explain.
On the preventative side, these kids need lots of appropriate places to be powerful and to have more control and say-so in their lives. See "Ways to Give Kids More Power" (below) for ideas. If you focus on providing ways for them to have more control in every situation, you will prevent most potential power struggles.
For example, allowing kids to unbuckle their own seat belt, close the car door and unlock the front door to the house may prevent meltdowns that occur when transitioning from the car into the house. Involving kids in menu planning, shopping and preparing meals prevents a lot of dinner table battles. Talking through home agreements at family meetings ensures much better cooperation.
Kids who feel empowered, heard and respected, and who have a lot of places where they have choice, say-so and opportunities to be valuable leaders no longer need to engage you in power struggles. You've already provided plenty of opportunities for kids to feel powerful.
It is also vital to establish a discipline model where kids know their parents won't be sucked into circular arguments and power struggles. Being willing and able to quickly detach from any potential power struggle lets kids know that there is no payoff for being argumentative, disrespectful or disruptive.
Parents also need to follow through on any agreements quickly and firmly to let kids know they will be held accountable. Following through without all the reminding, yelling, arguing, bribing, threatening and drama teaches kids that you mean what you say.
But remember that your best tool to redirect power struggles is to prevent them by giving kids power in appropriate ways. When we see a power-hungry kid at our summer camps, we know to shift our focus to making a good connection with that kid and finding ways to give them more choices and ways to be helpful. Those are the kids you'll see in the kitchen after meals helping the cooks clean dishes. They feel so empowered and valuable, and as a result we don't have any power struggles with them all week.
Look for ways to use and appreciate their intensity and strengths and you will see and get the best from spirited kids.
Ways to Give Kids Power
1. Give choices. 2. Let kids make decisions. 3. Give kids more responsibility. 4. Provide opportunities to be valuable. 5. Let kids teach you things. 6. Provide opportunities for kids to be leaders. 7. Provide kids with more say-so in family agreements. 8. Give kids places to stretch and challenge themselves.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a behavioral pediatrician and author of several books including "Keeping Your Family Grounded When You're Flying by the Seat of Your Pants." His counseling practice in Chesterfield is focused primarily on girls in grade school through college. He and his wife, Anne, run personal growth weekend retreats for kids in grade school, middle school and high school, including a new leadership and empowerment weekend retreat for middle school girls. Tim has spoken internationally to parents and professionals for 24 years on parenting and child-related issues. His web site is www.weloki.com, or call his office at 636-530-1883.
