Learning to Let Go (And Why It's Essential for Your Kids)
Dr. Tim Jordan
by Dr. Tim Jordan
I was talking recently to the mother of an eight-year-old girl about whether or not her daughter could handle a week of our stay-away camp. In the end, the mom finally admitted, "She’s definitely ready and willing to do it. I'm the one who's not ready!"
This incident reminded me of how difficult it can be to let go of our children and let them grow up. Of course, this is not a new phenomenon. Parents have worried about their children's readiness to meet the challenges of the world forever.
Changes at the end of the 19th century really accentuated parents' worries; the growth of and movement of families away from farms and to the "big, bad" cities; industrialization and increased transportation which spelled the end of many family farms and family artisan businesses.
Experts at the turn of the 20th century warned parents about the dangers of this new urban world with its more complex society and waves of new immigrants.
Parents began to feel ill-equipped to prepare their children for this new, uncertain and unknown future. Here is a quote from L. Emmett Holt, a renowned pediatrician from 1900: "The conditions which kept children’s lives safe and simple and natural 50 years ago have largely changed since that time; on every side there is more to stimulate the nervous system and less opportunities for muscular development." That quote could apply easily to our present concerns about kids and our world today.
Here's a quote from sociologist Margaret Meade from 1950. "American children are growing up within the most rapidly changing culture of which we have any record in the world; within a culture where for several generations every generation's experience has differed sharply from the last. Therefore expectations of change and anxiety about change have been built into our character as a people."
Fast-forward 57 years and the speed of change has risen, along with a horde of parenting experts with many conflicting parenting strategies. So it is understandable for today's parents to feel confused about how to best prepare their kids for adult life.
This is probably the biggest reason we are sheltering our kids with a longer protected period of adolescence today, allowing young adults to live at home even into their late 20's, and also why we overprotect and over-do for our kids.
So, what to do? First of all, I like to think of letting go as a long-term process. You actually, without realizing it, have been letting go throughout your child's life. Here are some examples:
Allowing babies to self-quiet so they can sleep through the night Teaching your children to feed themselves Allowing toddlers to explore their world and providing a safe base to come back to Teaching children to dress themselves Help them learn to handle their fears at 4 to 5 years of age Teaching kids to think and speak for themselves and solve their own problems Giving them more control and say-so over their lives all along the way Allowing them to handle their friendship issues Being responsible for their homework Allowing them to make mistakes, be frustrated, fail, be bored or unhappy and to work through it themselves
The reality is that effective parents have been turning over responsibility and decision-making throughout their child's life.
When parents view the big task of letting go as a process, sending your kids off to college isn't such a huge risk because you've been preparing them to be responsible, self-motivated and self-confident since the crib.
If you've been overprotecting your children, solving problems and conflicts for them, caring more about their schoolwork than they do and doing for them things that they could and should be doing for themselves - then the letting go when they're 18 is likely to be a disaster for them because they are not ready for life.
But no matter what age your kids are today, it's never too late to start teaching them how to be responsible adults. Look around their world and ask yourself, "Where can I turn over more responsibility to them?" "What am I doing for them that they are capable of doing themselves?" "Where else can I turn over more control of their lives to them?"
Be sure that they are responsible for creating fun when they are bored; that they are responsible for their homework; that they resolve their conflicts with siblings and friends; that they are doing their own laundry, balancing their checkbook and budgeting their money.
And be sure that they are allowed to work through frustrations and setbacks and persevere through challenges. This is the breeding ground for building character, resiliency and self-esteem.
Having owned my own camps for 17 years, I know that it's okay for parents of 8-year-olds not to be ready for their kids to go to sleep-away camp. On the other hand, with summer just around the corner, remember what a fabulous growing experience it is for kids when they can go away to camp, make new friends and survive without you.
They may not drink milk at every meal or shower every day. Some may wear the same shirt all week despite your thorough packing skills. But most kids return home a little more grown up and a little more confident.
Maybe you could look at it like it's a college-prep trial. Or maybe, see it as another place for you to let go a little, to prepare you and your child for the big leaps of growth later on.
Dr. Tim Jordan, a developmental pediatrician, is a regular contributor to West County Kids. He is the author of "Keeping Your Family Grounded When You’re Flying by the Seat of Your Pants" as well as other publications and frequently speaks to local and national audiences about parenting and family issues. He and his wife, Anne Jordan, run personal growth summer camps (Camp Weloki) for kids in grade school, middle school and high school and his private practice is in Chesterfield. To find out more, call (636) 530-1883 or go to www.weloki.com.
