Teaching Your Kids Respect in a Culture of Disrespect
WEST COUNTY KIDS
A lot of parents complain about how disrespectful their kids are, and at younger and younger ages as well. It’s one thing to deal with a crabby teenager, but should parents really have to put up with a mouthy 8-year-old? Are kids more disrespectful today than previous generations? And if so, why?
Kids, and in particular, teenagers, have always gone through phases of pulling away from their parents, becoming more independent, establishing themselves as distinct persons.
There is still a lot of brain development going on through their early twenties, as well as hormonal shifts and surges during puberty. All of this causes teens to feel out-of-sorts and more unstable during stages of intense physiological and emotional growth. Being mouthy and moody is one by-product.
But while the biological makeup of teenagers hasn’t changed much, what has changed dramatically is the culture in which kids are growing up, a culture where examples of disrespectful behavior are everywhere.
I see more disrespect in younger kids today than even 20 years ago. But I also see more disrespect in adults.
For an example, look no further than politics. Compare the debates and campaigns of Kennedy-Nixon in the 60’s vs. the campaigns of today. The TV ads and rhetoric are extremely disrespectful and mean-spirited.
Compare today’s TV shows about families from previous generations. There is a big difference between the tone of Father Knows Best and Leave it to Beaver and that of Roseanne, South Park or The Simpsons.
The funniest and most endearing characters in most TV shows and animated movies are the wise-cracking kids and animals. Most family sitcoms depict disrespectful kids who outsmart dumbed-down parents. And look at all the trash talking and in-your-face attitudes of professional athletes today. The most disrespectful ones get the most attention.
I also see too many parents with inconsistent boundaries who don’t redirect disrespect immediately and effectively. Parents put up with disrespect, try to just “ignore it”, hoping it will just go away.
They become resentful and angry, and eventually lash back at their kids in a disrespectful way, and the cycle continues. Parents need to learn to immediately, respectfully but firmly tell kids they are not willing to be disrespected, and if they kids don’t switch it, then the parents should immediately detach, showing their kids that they mean it.
Many kids grow up in homes where parents argue and fight and separate and divorce, and therefore experience their parent’s disrespecting each other over many months and years.
So instead of pointing the finger at kids and teens, first look at yourself and your relationships. Kids are always a reflection of the adult world around them. That includes parents, relatives, teachers, professional athletes, and any adults in politics and the media. Take a good, hard look at what you are modeling in your home.
Do you disrespect friends and relatives by talking negatively about them behind their backs? How do you talk about authority figures? Are you kind and empathetic and supportive of friends? How respectful are you to your spouse? Is there an environment of mutual respect and cooperation and give-and-take in your marriage?
How well do you respect yourself? Do you set healthy boundaries with friends and relatives and co-workers? What is your self-talk like? Do you make negative comments about your body, your weight or your abilities? How well do you take care of yourself, i.e. your body, your nutrition, your friendships, your spirit? Do you set good boundaries with your kids?
Are you respectful to your children? Do you respect their space and their need for privacy? Do you nag and yell and spank and overpower them? Do you listen and sincerely respect what they say and need? Do you give them appropriate control and ways to be valuable?
Are you micromanaging their lives as if you always know what’s best for them, forcing them along a path you think they should take? Or are you respecting their need to have their own path, their own destiny, their own lessons to learn in their own way?
There are effective ways to discipline kids when they are disrespectful. But I’m encouraging you to think bigger and more preventatively about disrespect. Own and change your parts.
Restrict what your kids watch on TV. Walk your talk and model being respectful to yourself and others. Use the dinner table to discuss daily examples of disrespect you all see in athletes, politicians and friends.
A famous quote of Gandhi’s comes to mind: “Be the change you are trying to create.” When it comes to kids and disrespect today, that’s the best place to start.
Dr. Tim Jordan is a regular contributor to West County Kids, the author of several books and frequently speaks to local and national audiences about parenting and family issues. He and his wife, Anne Jordan, are the founders of Children & Families, Inc., in Chesterfield and Camp Weloki. To find out more, call (636) 530-1883 or go to www.weloki.com.
