A Local Expert Shares the Secret Thoughts of Teen and Adolescent Boys
By Jessica Pupillo
Turns out, even though the majority of boys in late adolescence stop sharing much about their lives with Mom and Dad, there's still a lot running through their minds - and it’s not all bad.
Mike Lander is a life coach, group facilitator and mentor for St. Louis-area boys ages 10 to 18. Lander provides a safe place for boys to participate in round-table discussions, so he's privy to the details of these kids' lives.
He recently recorded a group session and graciously shared it with me to give readers a glimpse into the developing male mind. If you’re wondering what your boys are stressed about or are thinking about, here’s what Lander and his panel of high school boys often discuss.
Building Trust with Parents Boys often struggle with whether they can trust their parents with information about their lives, Lander said. Sometimes boys get scared and create stories or withhold information about their whereabouts and activities.
During round-tables, they frequently mention not wanting their parents to over-react, get angry or punish them for sharing the truth. As a result Lander often challenges boys to be honest with their parents for a week and see how honesty benefits them.
One of the boys on the round-table was stressed about his math class. He was avoiding math homework and lying to his parents about it. After just one week of doing his homework and talking openly with his parents, this boy saw an immediate benefit: "It feels good that my parents trust me again. If I get all my homework done, they let me stay out late on a school night."
Navigating Social Circles Many of the boys struggle with the typical coming-of-age challenges related to friends, cliques and dating. One of the boys reported feeling self-conscious and paranoid, knowing that a girl was talking behind his back.
He felt that an entire group of his friends no longer wanted to be around him. Another one of the boys shared a concern about a friend who is a lesbian. His friend was being bullied by other kids, and the boy decided he needed to stick up for her more often.
Friend issues can be all-consuming for boys, Lander said. Many obsess about friends and girlfriends. "Teens sometimes limit themselves to a certain group of friends, but on the edges there are tons of kids who they might be a better fit for."
When it comes to any kind of relationship, boys first need to ask themselves, "What do I like about myself?" and "What qualities do I want in a friend?" Lander said most of the time these two lists are similar.
Withstanding Pressures Related to Drugs and Alcohol Even the most successful, well-adjusted and involved kids feel pressures related to drugs and alcohol, Lander said.
One of the teens at the round-table was getting ready to go on a sports trip. His goal for the next week was to avoid drugs or alcohol, even though he knew his friends would be drinking and doing drugs. Most boys report that they don't feel external pressure to try drugs, but they're grappling with their own sense of curiosity and not wanting to miss out on a new experience.
"This is a good kid from a solid family, an athlete," Lander said. "This is going on with teens, and they don't have to have a certain look. Many of these kids are trying to stay clean, or they're trying to keep their friends clean."
Reflecting on self-care Adolescence and the teen years are marked with ups and downs. The highs are extremely high and the lows can be devastating to a young man.
Often boys don't know what the first step should be when they're faced with adversity. Teaching boys how to set specific goals and how to deal with stress in a healthy way is a critical component of Lander's counseling.
"These kids have the answers inside," Lander said. "They don’t always do the right thing and make the right choices. But if they take the right time to reflect and think about it, they generally figure out what works for them.
"Having goals and a clear picture of what they want their lives to be helps when they hit a snag or tough decision."
Jessica Pupillo is a St. Louis-based freelance writer, former contributing editor for St. Louis Kids Magazine, and mother of three boys.
Lander's Tips for Parenting 10- to 18-Year-Old Boys
Give your son opportunities to learn. This means he will sometimes fail, Lander said. Confidence and life lessons are gained when young men have the space to fall down and then pick themselves back up on their own.
Ask your son how you can support him. "Then shut up and listen," Lander said. "Let him know your door is always open. At some point he'll ask for support. What he asks for may be different than what you expect."
Don't allow your son to lose himself in video games. "Success comes from discipline," Lander said. "They need to learn to take care of business - their schoolwork - first." The harmful impacts of too much "screen time" have been well-documented, including obesity. Research indicates violent video games may lead to increased aggression in real life.
Don't smother your son. A natural part of adolescence involves pulling away from your parents; "that's normal, healthy and natural," Lander said. Follow your gut on when to get involved, but in general, "stay lovingly supportive without meddling," he said.
Your son needs praise. As tough and grown-up as he may seem, all guys need "attaboys."
Motivate your son by focusing on how a behavior or activity benefits him instead of focusing on punishment. For example, Lander said, if you suspect or know your son is using drugs, talk about the costs and benefits of using with him. It will be more effective than subjecting him to drug testing, Lander said.
Mike Lander is a life coach, group facilitator and mentor for St. Louis-area boys ages 10 to 18. For more information, go to www.roundtablegroups.com
