Like many moms, I constantly worry if I’m ruining my children’s futures. That they won’t get in to Mensa like every other two-year-old because I let them watch Hairspray every day this week. Or if the Pop-Tarts I fed them will send them spiraling into a dependency on delicious toaster pastries.
I know one day my five-year-old will be sitting in front of a psychiatrist, trying to pinpoint where her unresolved anger management issues stem from.
“MJ, did your mother ever turn off Doc McStuffins
so she could watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta
“Why, yes, Doctor, she did.”
“It’s a hopeless cause, Miss Plegge. Here are your hot pants and hooker heels. I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do for you.”
Each night, I go to sleep spooning my working mom guilt, panicking about how I screwed the kids up that day. But after talking with some other moms, I learned I needed to shift my focus away from what I did wrong and instead focus on what I did right. And that’s when I turn to pop culture – to identify my successes for the day:
I did not start a vicious rumor concerning my child via social media. Last month, Courtney Love tweeted that Dave Grohl was trying to seduce her 19-year-old daughter, Frances Bean Cobain – a rumor Grohl and Cobain denied and one which – eek! – referenced a poor innocent German guy on Twitter with the same name as the Foo Fighters frontman.
No doubt embarrassed by her mother’s tirade, Cobain issued a simple statement to refute the rumor – showing that while her “biological” (her quote) mother might be mortifying, someone taught her some class.
If I’m going to start a false Twitter rumor about my kid, it’s going to paint her in a positive light: Catch MJ’s opening act on the @MotleyCrue tour! Live bobcats! Waffle-scented pyrotechnics! #mykidrocksthehouse
I did not allegedly place my kid in a tanning booth. No, I apply bronzer to my kids first thing every morning because that’s what good moms do.
I did not choreograph my kid’s booty pop routine for a national cable audience. She wanted me to, but I told her to wait and break out the booty moves when she’s finally in a Kid Rock video getting doused with champagne. Instead, for the Toddlers & Tiaras talent competition, we went with crunking – because it’s classy – and the running man because of its air of retro elegance.
I did not spill my family’s business secrets to the world. This week, the Octomom announced to Headline News that she is declaring bankruptcy and will be featured in a fetish video. Ok, I understand – you have to do what you have to do to provide for your family. But what really got me was how she stole my idea for world dominance. Octomom remarked she wants an empire and will build said empire with “businesses.”
That businesses plan was totally mine! Just like I was going to write a Pulitzer-Prize-award winning book with “words” and open my own restaurant with “ingredients.” Damn you, Nadya, for destroying the one legacy I was going to leave my kids.
With Mother’s Day just around the corner, I’m sure Mr. P bases his gift decisions on whether or not I messed up my kids over the past year. If he can look past the Michael Jackson obsession I planted in one child and the gummy bear addiction I started in the other, and instead focus on the positive steps I took today, I know there are a whole lotta diamonds coming my way this weekend.
By Nicole Plegge, Lifestyle Blogger for SmartParenting