Do Siblings Naturally Grow Apart? When Does Teenage Behavior Cross The Line?
My 14-year-old son used to be best friends with his little brother. But lately, he’s started to ignore his little brother, and they don’t spend as much time together. What do I do?
It is upsetting for parents to see their children drift apart. Siblings share a special bond, and it brings parents much pleasure to see their kids spend quality time together.
The teenage years, however, bring on behavioral changes that impact how adolescents view family, and it feels like it happens almost overnight.
All of sudden your child prefers time with friends more than time with the family. And when your son is home, staying in his room, playing on the computer, and text messaging his friends becomes his priority. This behavior is part of normal adolescent development. It is important to allow your son some space to grow as well as encourage him to develop his own identity. There are, however, many things you can do to make sure your family still remain close.
Regular dinners are a great way to promote family ties. Cooking favorite meals and avoiding weekend night gatherings will ensure your changing child happily participates.
Encourage your sons to engage in their favorite activities together. Drop them off at the movies, send them outside to shoot baskets, or suggest they watch their favorite TV show together.
Activities like these give them opportunities to bond. Or have your oldest baby-sit your youngest. This not only promotes brotherly bonding but also develops a sense of pride and work ethic as your teen earns his own money to pay for his own things.
Lastly, don’t forget about the little one. He may be mourning the loss of quality time he previously had with his brother. Take this opportunity to set up more play dates, enroll him in a new activity, or just spend some quality parent/son time.
Talk with him about his older sibling’s changing attitude to ensure that he does not take this new situation too personally. Finally, make sure he knows that his brother still loves him.
Despite your adolescent's desire for independence, he still wants to spend time with his family and his little brother. As children grow, it becomes a parent’s job to develop creative, positive and flexible ideas that promote individual growth and family togetherness.
My teenager has been breaking a lot of house rules lately. Some of the things she does feel like normal teenage behavior, but other time it feels excessive. How do I know when my daughter has crossed the line?
Parents often report problems with behavior as kids enter the teenage years. Adolescents feel a strong desire to develop their own identity and independence, and we often see a shift in behavior around the time teens enter the driving years.
Peers start to become more important than parents, and the ability to drive creates a new found freedom and opportunity to push the boundaries of household rules. When gauging the seriousness of your rule-breaking teen's behavior, consider the following guidelines to help you determine when your child has crossed the line.
Failure to comply with a request in a reasonable amount of time. What is reasonable? A minute or less! Yes, your child should respond to most requests almost instantaneously, especially simple ones. Don't necessarily expect your kids to always do what you ask, but they should acknowledge your comments and provide some type of acceptable response.
Failure to keep doing what has been requested until the task has been finished. Many teenagers don’t follow through. They do the minimum, leave the job half finished or take too long to respond, adding stress and anxiety to a parent’s life. If you have clarified expectations and your teen still insists on underperforming, the situation is serious.
Failure to follow through on previously taught rules. As parents we expect our kids to keep their rooms clean, go to school and be respectful to adults. Kids get this. If, however, at every turn, you child is continually breaking the rules, it is a problem.
The point at which a teenager's troubles become serious varies from family to family, and it is your job as a parent to determine what is acceptable. However, when you feel like you get no rest from the situation, your child has crossed the line and it is time to consult a professional.
Russell Hyken, Ed.S., MA, LPC, NCC, CEP, is a licensed professional counselor, an educational diagnostician, and a regular columnist for St. Louis Kids. With more than 15 years of experience as a high school English teacher, school counselor and school administrator, Hyken now counsels families and specializes in teen behavior at home and school, learning difficulties and family therapy.
Hyken’s practice, Education and Psychotherapy Services, specializes in educational/ADHD evaluations, individual and family therapy and local and national educational options for learning disabled students and troubled teens. He can be reached at (314) 691-7640 or rhyken@ed-psy.com.
Send questions for this column regarding teen issues to Hyken at teens@stlouiskidsmagazine.com. Anonymity will be granted in print upon request.
