By Russell Hyken Columnist for St. Louis Kids Magazine
Q: When our children were younger, my husband and I would never argue in front of them. Now that they are in high school, is it still important to hide our disagreements?
A: Wow! I am impressed that you and your husband have had that much self-control. While I don’t actively advocate that parents argue in front of their adolescents, dismissing or delaying disagreements can also be potentially detrimental to emotional development. In fact, it may actually be healthy for teens to see their mom and dad engage in the occasional dispute.
Obviously, it is never acceptable to participate in over-the-top name-calling, or knock-down, drag-out fights. Heated discussion of appropriate intensity and length are, however, growth-promoting opportunities for parents of teens. Kids should know that any two people who spend a significant amount of time together will experience conflict. It is how one handles the disagreement that differentiates acceptable arguing from harmful hollering.
First, be aware of what you are arguing about and where you argue. While, many teens are mature beyond their years, certain topics should be avoided. Conflicts regarding intimacy, money, addiction or how to raise the children should only occur in private. What parents argue about is almost as important as how they argue.
When arguments do emerge, model appropriate communication strategies and resolution skills. Keep voices low as yelling escalates the situation. Demonstrate listening by engaging in appropriate turn-taking exchanges. Respond with clarifying statements that convey understanding.
Also avoid asking your son or daughter to give an opinion. Teens will view this as taking sides, creating internal turmoil as they support one particular parent.
Lastly, end your arguments properly. Keep discussions short and resolve the conflict. Sometimes this will mean agreeing to disagree. Later, talk to your teenager about the situation and assure him that his parents are happy and that the occasional minor dispute is part of a healthy relationship.
Teens that see their parents engage in appropriate communication, which includes arguing, learn how to form healthy relationships, relieve stress and solve problems. In fact, it is a parent's job to model and teach their kids how to "let off steam" and resolve disagreements. If, on the other hand, the household atmosphere is terribly turbulent, seek the assistance of an outside professional. Teens that see their parents engage in high frequency fighting may experience depression, anxiety, and long-lasting emotional scars.
Q: Our kids are now teenagers, and it seems that their idea of a vacation differs from ours. What can we do to ensure that our family has a great time?
A: When your teenagers were tots, traveling was much simpler. A sandy beach and some kid-friendly activity was all the family needed to have a good time. Now, however, your young children have become young adults, and the family vacation has become a complex negotiation as generations clash over what to do. To pave the way for a relaxing and rejuvenating vacation, do some advance planning and allow your teen a say in the trip.
Include your teenagers at the start of the planning process. Discuss with your teens what they want from a vacation before choosing a destination. Generate a variety of options, and present them to the kids. Over a family dinner, discuss each locale, and let your excited adolescent guide the way to family fun.
Once the location has been decided, let the aspiring vacationers plan a day. Encourage your teens to research activity options and create a schedule of events including transportation and dining options.
For this to work, however, parents must commit to the plan even if it means doing something outrageously adventurous or wasting away the morning sleeping in. Typically teens will make good choices, and allowing them to own a piece of the planning ensures minimal complaining and maximum enjoyment.
Turn about is fair play, and the parents should also participate in the plan-a-day process but add a twist. Choose an afternoon for you and your spouse to spend one-on-one quality alone time with each of your children.
This can be as simple as a hike up a mountain or as exciting as a surf lesson. The goal is to choose something that you can enjoy together. Mixing it up promotes family bonding and creates great dinner conversation as each person shares stories from their day.
All of the advance planning, however, will not guarantee a peaceful getaway unless a family conversation regarding trip rules and expectations takes place before the departure date. Remind your traveling teens that all home rules apply-no smoking, no drinking, no cursing, and no hitting your sister.
Emphasize the importance of time: what time teens need to return in the evening, what time tired teens need to wake in the morning, and what kind of time teens must spend with mom and dad. Set some basic ground rules and discuss concerns as they occur to ensure travel time is a blast and everyone gets along.
Vacations provide some of life's most memorable moments. While you may return to the same destination year after year, each visit will be different as your family matures and grows. Savor the time, leave life's worries behind, and take lots of pictures. Bon Voyage!
Send questions for this column regarding teen issues to Hyken at teens@stlouiskidsmagazine.com. Anonymity will be granted once the identity of the letter writer is verified.
Russell Hyken, Ed.S., MA, LPC, NCC, CEP, is a licensed professional
counselor, an educational diagnostician and a regular columnist for St. Louis Kids Magazine.
With more than 15 years of experience as a high school English teacher,
school counselor and school administrator, Hyken is now in private
practice. His practice, Educational and Psychotherapy Services,
specializes in educational/ADHD evaluations, individual and family
therapy, and local and national educational options for learning
disabled students and troubled teens. He can be reached at 314-691-7640
or through his web site
